I was on a walk today and I asked the Lord... “what is my deal with fear?” I realized over the last several years there are a few fears that have surfaced that have almost immobilized me at times. One is that my husband will lose his job. The second is that one of our other sources of income, because of the economy, will dissolve. I have other fears that I battle but today I deal with these ugly fears. I am well aware that loss happens. Believe me. Sometimes I have control of my losses and other times I have no control. As I talked with God about my fears I realized that fear is a symptom of something that is going on deeper in my heart. It is the “control factor.” Or the “no control factor.” Also, I was confronted with the fact that fear can be a sin.
In the past few years, I have lost much that has not been in my control. My husband did lose his job, I lost my church body, church ministries, extended family and my dog died. These are just a few of the overriding losses. I am well aware that loss happens. Believe me. Sometimes I have control of my losses and other times I have no control.
As I have tried to resurface for air and hopefully move my feet onto some solid ground I realize I have baggage. Baggage that my husband will lose his job again, the economy will go even more south and I am very careful with whom I enter into a trusting relationship. I have a new dog and he is as healthy as ever.
It has been difficult for me to hold on to all that was dear to me and it sifted through my hands and my only choice was to let go. In the process, I realized that control and possession are only a figment of my imagination. Since my track record regarding loss is much in this season of my life it has carried over into other areas of my life. I am afraid it is going to happen again because I know it can happen again. So, fear becomes my overriding emotion. The question is what do I do with the fear and on a deeper level the loss of control?
This brings me back to my walk this morning. I don’t have control over any situation. Yuck.